Stephanie and Jim's guide to real estate terminology

Because renting in Front Royal is expensive (and the further east you go towards DC, the more expensive it gets), we're looking into what it takes to buy a house. As it turns out, there are lots of houses that are cheap in that general area. We've spent some time looking at these houses, reading the descriptions, and figuring out what the real estate agents REALLY mean.

Capital letters in a description: House has been on the market for a LOOOONG time

Cozy: Tiny. Maybe good for a gnome.

Secluded: Far from absolutely everything. Except the bears, and maybe the ax murderers.

Professionally decorated: Decorated by a demented clown. All it needs is a merry-go-round or a house of mirrors to be complete.

All inspections complete! Sold as-is. All data approximate: Nothing to see here. We're all fine, here, now. How are you?

Sold as-is, where-is: This house bends the rules of the space-time continuum and tunnels spontaneously. We may be here, or we may not. Catch you later!

owner anxious to sell owner has moved property is vacant Additional 50 ft lot included, finished basement in good condition: But the rest of the house burned down.

Perfect home for the car enthusiast! Walk to hospital and doctor's offices: This one may not need translation, but you should upgrade your medical insurance before you move here.

Home is habitable: For about two weeks a year (unless you bring your tent) and we'll even throw in a stick to fend off the rats.

Neutral colors!: Dirty.

Great commuter location!: Far from anything that might make that commute worth making.

Furniture can convey: We have no idea what this means.

Cute cute cute: Good for at least 3 cozy gnomes.

Low maintenance exterior: More lichen than wood. Just add water!

Approximately .5 mile off hard surfaced road: Hike in.

1 bedroom dwelling: While you can live here, it's not a home.

Basement has been waterproofed: After they got rid of the ducks.

Comes with a separate garag: Who won't hurt you if you feed it once a week.

3 bedroom house garage convient location (entire listing, no pictures): We actually don't want to sell you this house.

Year built unknown!: How exciting, a mystery!